Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
