yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
