I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
