I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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