I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
