I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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