Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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