first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize