it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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