My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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