i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i think i have two assholes
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize