Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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