what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
