MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Randomize
