Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
