i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I didn't notice because vodka
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
