Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
