I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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