So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
the condom got lost in my hair
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
