Everything about him screamed your future.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
