where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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