She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize