he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
