Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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