im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Can I color on your dick again?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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