The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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