I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
