I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
