i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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