tell your sister to shave her snatch
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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