My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
he quoted the bible to break up with me
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
