Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
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