His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
