Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
