My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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