Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
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