so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
