The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Just pee around me
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
