Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
