i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Randomize
