Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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