News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
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