On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
