Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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