My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
