that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
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