Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
