I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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