Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
