I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
FUCK WHALES
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
