i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
