I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
