Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
