someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
