Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
