bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Randomize
