Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
