based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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