roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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