you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
