I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
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