So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
