I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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