so let's talk penis.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
