There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
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